


I'm here now

by Jenayisonearth



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), danandphik
Genre: Angst, Depression, Eventual Phan, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Memory Loss, Phan - Freeform, Suicidal thoughts and actions, dont worry I won't longer too much on that, enjoy;), in the future
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-11-19 15:25:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11316222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenayisonearth/pseuds/Jenayisonearth
Summary: 5 years agoPhil found that Dan had left, his clothes and close belongings gone along with three suitcases.4 years agoPhil had stopped youtube for a year now. He looked in crowds for the tall boy. He became jumpy and isolated himself. He found a blade.3 years agoPhil had littered arms full of scars, he tried and tried to find Dan. He even brought in the police and private investigators but it was like he never existed. His friends tried to help but he refused the helping hands.2 years agoPhil had written fifty nine notes, goodbyes and whys. He never got further as he looked out the windows for the brown haired boy.1 year agoWhile out to a shop, Phil thought he saw Dan across the street. He ran into the road and was struck by a speeding vehicle.NowHe opened his eyes and saw a boy with a dirty face and brown eyes(CURRENTLY ON HOLD, I MIGHT REDO IT LATER ON)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy:)

When Phil opened his eyes to reveal a sickly color of lifeless blue a year ago, Dan hated himself. 

When he froze and saw all the white scaring lines of his arms, hatred brewed up in his blood.

When the ambulance and police came, he didn't leave his side until forced too, why became a question of his. 

When Phil was in a coma for minutes that turned into hours that turned into days to weeks then months then a year, Dan promised the unconscious boy that he'll make it up to him if he just woke up.

And now when that same boy opened those eyelids again, they were lost and confused.

"Phil you're awake!" Dan shrieked as he lunged his arms around Phil's laid down body, his smell had that hospital scent and his overgrown hair needed a haircut but he was awake and here with him now.

Dan pressed the side button and yelled into the speaker, nurses and doctors rushed in to see the incredible miracle. 

"Come on speak!" Dan coaxed.

"Phil you're awake, I'm so sorry for what I did!" 

He opened his pale mouth. The small action left everyone in the room clinging to their small cliffhangers.

"Who's Phil?"

Oh. My. Fucking. God.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hopefully this will become my schedule: a new chapter every Friday garunteed with bonus ones here and there. How does that sound? Anyways enjoy:)

Nooononono  
This was not supposed to happen.

No.

He was supposed to come home and embrace Phil, then explain and Phil would be mad or cry but be happy he was here now.

No.

Even after the accident Phil wasn't supposed to pass out, he was supposed to hug Dan and not let go. Dan was supposed to ask him to forgive him and they would go home. Dan wasn't supposed to see the scars on his skin or that look in his eyes. They were supposed to be happy they've been reunited for a year now.

No.

Phil wasn't supposed to loose his memory, he was supposed to be happy to see Dan and demand answers. To not let him out of his sight and the same to Dan. 

No.

Phil couldn't ask that, he couldn't.

No.

Dan couldn't have caused this, but he did.

And all this did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~,~,~

"No." Dan mumbled as he breathed out disbelief. How why when what!? If he didn't let Phil close his eyes that day a year ago they would be sipping tea or eating dry cereal while watching the last eat movie craze. They would end a show and start a new one, they would fan over new songs from old bands or film another pinof. They didn't belong here. 

"Mister Howell please step out for a second, we need to examine him." A doctor said placing a hand on his shoulder, "You can come in afterwards, we may need you to." 

"No this can't be happening." Dan mumbled shakily, tears began to well up causeing his vision to blur.

"Who are you and why am I here?!" A sweet melancholy voice asked, the same one that left hundreds of voicemails, who sent countless links to pleading private videos.

It sounded so foreign.

"We will tell you that in a second sir." The same doctor answered whilst shaking Dan a bit as a sign to leave.

Phil had tensed at Dan's touch but seemed to relax a little after Dan somehow removed himself from the older boy. A nurse escorted him outside and sat him down on a leather bench. Shock overpowered his senses as he stared at the tiled foor. His blurry tears blending the the confetti design which that signature hospital white.

He didn't know how much he sat there trying to absorb what was happening but then the same doctor came out. 

"Mister Howell may we speak?" He asked.

"Yyes.. of course is he okay? Is this a temporary thing?" He asked with alarm and desperation tinting his voice. 

"We believe this may be temporary but we don't know for how long, the impact of the car should have given some memory loss but the year lasting coma may have lengthened it. It may take years or days, months or weeks. We don't know."

"Oh." Was all Dan could utter.

"He can stay with me, he lived in our apartment ll this time and maybe that should trigger his memory or something right!?" He asked, he couldn't loose Phil again even to the government. 

"I was thinking that but maybe you should both stay at his parents house or something so you begin easy. He hasn't lost his memory completely. He was able to tell me his family's names, even if he switched the first letters with others but he remembers youtube in 2006 and some events in 2009 so I'm guessing he lost everything for the last 13 years." He said sympathetically.

"What about me?" 

He shook his head slowly and sadly.

"Well I look completely different, maybe if you showed him a picture of me at the time?" Dan asked, Phil couldn't have forgotten him right? After everything, tabinof and tatinof, the book and red movies produced from it. The world they had created online, a network of followers, a complete fandom of art made by their content.

They'd did it together, Dan was a big part of his life right?

So he couldn't forget him

He just couldn't.

"Do you have a picture?" The docter asked.

"Yeah just a minute." He quickly googled his name and year, after their mystery died down He still saw a few followers asking for the inseparably duo.

"Here." Dan handed his phone to him, he nodded as he walked back into the room. The same one that Dan had practically lived in for months.

After a few minutes of angsty pacing the door swung open with an enlightened faced doctor.

"Good news! He said he couldn't place it but he recognized it from a dream or something, how long has he know your face?"

"Since about 2007-2008, it was my profile picture so he might recognize it from there." 

"Okay, well I suggest you go home for once and get some rest. We will ask a few more questions and have 24 hour monitor on him to make sure he is fine. Then you come back and talk to him." He said.

He wanted to argue but deep down He knew Phil needed some space. 

"Okay." He nodded and left.

|~~~~~~|||~~~~,~~~~

Once The brown haired man got to the abandoned apartment he collapsed in tears. The days events just sunk in all at once and it felt like a bowling ball had been dropped on his chest. His body ached for Phil's touch and his mind wondered where the pale boys heat was. His eyes hungry for the sight of his closed to save pain.

After a few hours of hard sobs and endless tears sleep found Dan and wrapped her arms of darkness lulling him to sleep. Peaceful from the break of thoughts.

•••••••••••••

A year before....

"Go home the doctors pleaded, you need to check on your place and we will take care of him." The doctors had said.

Now Dan found himself in front of the apartment he left four years ago. He returned a few times during the course of those months gone but could not enter. 

' It's to soon, it's too late, he probably moved. '

He past as good reasons then to excuses. But really deep down He knew Phil was in those doors waiting for his return.

He pulled out a key, he keeped it all these years, and pushed it in the lock and turned. It worked. Phil hadn't changed it.

He entered the building a was hit with a throng whiff of Phil's scent. Everything was the same just without houseplants, or at least live ones.

The gaming room was the same and the refrigerator had little food. The snack cupboards had stale bags. Same mugs and pans. Everything was the same just clean. Like inexplicably clean. Too clean to be their apartment especially with messy Phil.

God what had he done. 

He entered the hallway that held both their rooms, he was scared to enter either. After enough contemplating je opened the door to Phil's and it was horrible.

There was a box by the bed holding small blades. An opened bedside drawer with countless notebooks. His closet had the same clothes and no signs of new ones. Same shoes just beaten up down to their last leg of life. Even lion was there, he was tilted on his side on the floor, thrown and forgotten the position screamed like everything else. 

Dan couldn't stand the sight but he still absorbed the room. The bead melting thing horse he made at a party for two hours during New Years was still in the plant pot. But only that and dirt were in it. 

Phil loved that plant, how could he just let it die?

Slowly he made his way to the nightstand. He picked up the notebooks and opened the one with the number 1.

'It's been two months since Dan left'

Dan breathed in sharply, it was diary during his time gone. He continued.

' I've Tried calling him and texting, even emails and dms on twitter, tumblr and facebook.'

It was true, he saw the notifications rising before he abandoned his accounts.

'I don't know what I've done to make him run away, am I that bad of a friend!?'

No, he blamed himself, why why why. Of course Dan should've left any indication that Phil had nothing to do with his departure, well partly but not completely on that way.

'I talked to the police but they said they couldn't do anything, he did it voluntarily and that's that. Well shit.'

Phil must've been really upset to curse, even when writing he kept himself in check with his language. 

'It's been three months and no Dan. I think he is gone for good but why would he just leave, it seems so unlike him. I hired a private investigator but he couldn't come up with anything. Louise came over and brought some food, she said it would help and Dan would come back, he loved me.'

Dan stared at that segment of words, 'he loved me.', Dan did love him, more than anything which made it so easy to leave. Damn everything, he could've gone to the police and Phil wouldn't have to be hospitalized.

'I can't take it anymore, I've tried and tried, I'm always out looking for him, I stalk his sites to see if he's online and call and text him frequently. '

Fucking fuck fuck fuck bloody god damn fuck.

Dan continued reading, updates filled with distress and self blame. There were small round spots on the pages, only explained by years. The entries were of Phil himself extracting himself from the internet and making it everything to him to find Dan. He was convinced something was up. 

Dan hated himself with every word Phil had written, every shakily written word.

Soon enough he had read through more than half of the journal. Dan put it in his bag and looked over, his eyes burned with tiredness.

But it all subsided as they fell on the box with steel. The box was green plastic, the kind used for small kids in school. Inside were blood stained blades. 

FUCKING SHIT FUCKING FUCK YOU DAN FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUCKIIING SHIT ASSHOLE YOU MOTHERFUCKING HUMAN BEING FUCKING PHIL UP FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK!

Dan yelled to himself.

No no no why do Phil have to do this, why why why why no no. Phil harmed himself onDan's account. Why why. Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck.

\----

A few days after that Dan decided to enter his room when he stopped by to pay rent. Somehow Phil's channel and the gaming channel burst and Phil was still being supported by the Phandom which was great. 

He opened the door and saw that everything was the same. Clothes were still laying on the floor from when they were rejected all those nights ago, his half burnt candle still sat on his desk and his butt chair still pushed out, still welcoming a sit down. Phil hadn't touched it, the journal said he wasn't ready. Maybe the next few might give an indication but by the most part, Dan's room was the same.

A feeling gave over Dan, he could only describe it as fuck.

He used that word a lot lately.

When the sun rose and set and no Phil.

Fuck

•••••••••••

Dan woke up to the sun hitting his face. It blinded his vision as he opened his eyes. He got up and rushed up stairs to the shower.

After the quickest shower and changing clothes ever he headed back to hospital. This time it was different, Phil woke up and he had to recognize Dan, he had to even if it took a year or so.

He couldn't hold his excited anticipation and rushed in to see Phil, he hugged him tightly and breathed in his scent.

"Who are you?" 

"I'm him" Dan said pointing to 2009 Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think I'll update every Friday and when I feel up to it or have extra time I'll update here. I also have another work in progress fic for twenty one pilots, 'to See Color Again' and I need your favorite vessel and blurryface songs for the next part so just comment and I'll use them.  
> Again I love you all and don't lick your recently shaved legs!
> 
> ~Jenay


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry!!!!!! here's a new chapter, sorry if it is too short but you'll get another really soon, and it's in Phil POV so enjoy ;)

No, he looked completely different than to the boy on the internet. That boy had defined features and tanner skin, and straighter hair which seemed darker too. 

But yet they had a resemblance, like he was an older more mature brother or cousin.

"No... you look completely different tho?" Phil said finally, every seemed so weird and he didn't like it.

"I know, that was me when I was 18. I'm 31 now and you're 35." He said, he felt his blood drain.

No. this wasn’t possible. This could not be happening, he was 22, he had to be. 

‘’I know it’s a lot to take in but you had an accident and you lost your memory.’’ Dan said.   
Phil could only stare at the wall behind him, he was 35!? Did he have a family?

‘’Are we together?’’ Phil asked. Red creeped into Dan’s face. 

‘’No no no, we are just best friends. And flatmates. And business partners.’’ Dan said quickly. Fluster was evident in his fair skin. 

‘’Oh sorry.’’

‘’’No it’s ok really. Are you feeling well? I would like to hug you right now, it was really scary seeing you like this..’’ Phil nodded, Dan wrapped his ginormous arms around him. He expected a light hug but was greeted with a firmly tight one. What was even weirder is that his scent was too familiar with him. 

‘’Hello mister lester, how are you feeling today?’’ His doctor said carrying a clipboard. 

‘’Um fine just shocked.’’’

‘’Don’t worry it’s totally normal for to feel that way. It’s not for certain but we will be able to send you home in a week if all goes well! How does that sound?’’’ 

Home. what was home? Apparently not his home home, he lived with ‘Dan’. he knew he was saying the truth though. His scent felt like home. 

‘’Yeah’’

‘’Okay I’ll leave you two alone then.’’ 

‘’Thanks’’ Dan said, Phil noticed a grin on face, it lit him up, color was evident on it. It made him happy?   
‘’Where do we live?’’ Phil asked, he turned his head towards him. he saw his eyes fall. 

‘’London, we live in an old bank from like the 1800s and it is horrible with drilling and cracks. We were planning to move but um delays kept getting in our way.’’he said 

‘’Oh. How long have we lived there? ‘’

‘’2012’’

‘’What year is this?’’ it was years past 2012?! What had he done in his life? Was it all worth it? Did he do some legacy? he didn’t have a family of his own, and he was thirty five? What was he waiting for?

‘’Oh sorry its 2022.’’ 

2022\. More than a decade. Almost fifteen years. 

‘’What did I did all these years?’’

‘’Youtube.’’ Dan said, youtube? That website where he posted video blogs? How did he make living”’

‘’Youtube grew since 2009, more people used the site and more people watched your videos. Soon enough you had an audience and you made money on views, I did that two along with you.”

‘’So I don’t have a job job?’’

Dan let out a chuckle, “No but this is much better.’’ 

Phil liked his laugh. 

After some chatting about youtube and their content Phil fell asleep.   
When he woke up Dan was gone. A strange sense of insecurity washed him as he frantically searched the room with his eyes. 

‘’Hey mister lester, how are feeling? Sleep good?’’ a nurse asked cheerily walking in. 

‘’Where’s Dan?’’ he asked nervously.

‘’We sent him home, it’s past visiting hours, he was reluctant but you’ll see him in the morning.’’ she answered while scribbling on the white board alongside his bed. At least Dan didn’t leave him consentually. 

The next morning Phil woke up just in time as Dan walked in with a paper bag in his hand. 

‘’Hey Phil’’ he said bringing up a finger to his lips indicating silence. 

‘’I brought you a bagel from our favorite place, i’m not supposed to bring it here so don’t say anything’’ Dan whispered handing him the brown bag. 

‘’Aren’t you going to eat?’’ Phil asked, Dan held up another bag smilling. 

They ate silently. 

‘’This is really good’’

‘’That’s what you said the first time we ate from there.’’ Dan said sadly. Phil couldn’t imagine going through what Dan was, he couldn’t even imagine he was 35! 

Phil was begining to really like Dan, he was happy they were best friends. Even though he didn’t know anything about him. 

They spent the rest of the day watching a couple of movies and Dan encourging Phil to ask more questions. 

‘’So what’s your favorite band?’’ Phil asked.

‘’Fallout Boy, we interviewed them for a radio station we worked at for a few years before they canceled it. We got to meet them and whole bunch of other famous people.’

‘’Really?!’’ 

‘’Yeah it was great.’’ Dan said his eyes looked pure for a minute, free of worry. 

‘’Dan?’’ 

“‘Yeah?’’

‘’How did I lose my memory?’’

Dan stared at him, mouth parted and shocked face. 

‘’Um.. Uh you got hit by a car.’’ Dan said quickly. Phil felt that he was hiding something but decided not to press on.

‘’Oh.’’ Oh. he didn’t know what to say or do. They didn’t each this in school or there wasn’t a book on what to do. All he remembered was going to sleep in his dorm room and that was it. 

 

‘’Yeah so um movie?’’

‘’Yeah.’’ Phil answered. 

Phil didn’t really pay attention from then on until he found himself staring at Dan. Those curly locks and intent brown eyes. He was scared of what himself had secreted inside the folds of aging life but more curiously he wondered if Dan had been there when he was hit. But one thing was for sure, he liked the older boy from the pictures.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry. right when i anpunced my schedule i missed the next few weeks i am so sorry. i was at a bit of a writers block but when I go over it I got supper busy and couldn't write and I need to keep this secret from everyone else (guilty) as I am around a bunch of Dan and Phil haters and super religous people who don't really agree with the LGTB+ lifestyle. But I promise you will get a chapter on friday or sooner. and I apologize if this one is bad or has a lot of mistakes but I am racing against the clock here so bear with me. Anyways have a great day and don't eat two pounds of salted butter :) 
> 
> ~Jenay


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey sorry this is way over due But here it is, and sorry if the last part is bad.

Dan couldn’t be happier, Phil was coming home in a couple of days! The doctor had given the okay earlier that week and suggested Dan go home to make sure everything was set and good to go. 

He arrived at the same apartment that held so many memories, he cleaned the dusty apartment, their knick-knacks already in place from racing thoughts. He vacumed and mopped and broomed until the cracked floors were shiny and the dusty shelves were free. He washed the long to be used duvets and even organized their box sets by alphabetical order. 

He couldn’t seem to stop smiling, it was a first in what seemed like a long time but phil was coming home and he couldn’t be happier. 

“Hey Phil!” Dan chirped walking in to his friend being helped by a couple of nurses, the doctor supervising in the corner. 

“Hi Dan.” Phil blushed, he seemed to be doing that a lot lately when they walked in the garden or ate secret outside food Dan snuck in. 

“Okay Daniel I need to speak with you for a minute.” The doctor called leading the taller one out of the room. 

“You know you are responsible of taking him to his weekly therapy sessions and making sure nothing overwhelms him right?’’ he said expectantly towards Dan. 

“Right,’ he nodded in return. 

“And to bring him here immediately if anything come up right, any head annoyances or complaints or even if it looks out of normal. Same goes to him.”

“Yes.” 

“Well then just sign here and you can bring your buddy home.” He handed Dan the most valuable items to him at this moment. They were the key to bringing his Phil home and restart. 

He finished his name and fought back a few tears that threatened to fall. 

“Good luck!” The doctor patted his back and opened the door to Phil’s room. 

“Ready?” the doctor asked him. Dan swore he could see his pale face light up. Phil wasn’t very demonstrative when it came to excitement so he never knew if the older one was happy to go home. 

“As I’ll ever be.” he answered with a big smile which were also scarce to Dan’s eyes.   
“And you know how to call me right?”

“Yes” a rose colored Phil answered, Dan let out a small chuckle in remembrance to teaching Phil how to use a touchscreen. 

“That’s a phone!?” Phil had exclaimed.

“Yes, actually it’s a pretty old one compared to the recent ones now actually.” Dan answered.

“Wow” 

“Yeah, makes you feel pretty old doesn’t it?’ Dan teased.

“Yeah..” Phil replied. A noticeable dismay took over his face.

‘’Hey it’s okay.” Dan assured putting his hand on Phils shoulder. He felt a pang of sadness when he felt his bones move underneath. Phil was always a slim person but this was a whole new level. 

“Thanks.” Phil said. He didn’t tense up under Dan’s touch for the first time since the accident. Dan smiled in return. 

“Hello?” a strange voice called from the device. 

“Phil! You called a stranger!” Dan cried as he hung up quickly. 

“Sorry!” Phil replied putting his hands up in surrender. Dan laughed. The memory was sweet, something he hadn’t felt in a long time. 

“So you ordered a taxi right?” the doctor asked pulling Dan back into reality. 

“Yeah it should be here in about five minutes.’’ he replied. 

“Well that gives us plenty of time to get you ready and down there.” he said as he called over the nurses and began giving them instructions. 

“Ready?” Dan asked, his voice shaky from the events. 

“Yeah I think so, it feels weird knowing I’m going home but not home if that makes sense.” Phil answered. 

“No I understand, but don’t worry I think you’ll love the apartment. It’s not exactly ‘updated’ so it should feel easier.” Dan assured. 

“Well you ready Phil?’ the doctor asked clapping his hands. Phil nodded in return and stood up.they walked down to the elevator and out to the taxi that was waiting for them. After some light instructions and promises the duo closed the door and headed to the apartment. 

“Well what do you think?” Dan asked once they entered the first room. Phil’s eyes light up at the colorful ‘Dan and Phil’ living room. 

“Wow” Phil sighed in awe. Dan smiled, 

“I’m glad you like it!” 

“It’s what I’d think my place would look like, but better!” he said, his smile ever so bright. 

“Well up here is where we played video games for our channel,” Dan showed.

‘’Wow so it really is true,” Phil said quietly. He walked further in and ran his finger over the black moniters.

‘What is?” Dan questioned, he was slightly confused.

“The channel thing, youtube, everything.” he answered now looking at a picture of them two smiling on the wall behind the camera. 

“You didn’t believe me?” Dan asked, now he was feeling a bit uneasy. What else did he not believe?

“No i did, it just felt a bit to surreal ,you know, that I’m famous and have traveled the world.” 

Dan smiled in relief, “Hey it’s okay and totally normal. I would feel the same. So do you want something to eat? I can order take out and we can watch a show.”

Phil nodded and followed him out of the room. The rest of the night went smoothly, they ended up watching some really old movie and ordering chinese food. It took a lot to not cuddle up to Phil, he was so happy he had him back but all he really wanted was to be pressed up and breathe in his scent. After the movie Dan showed Phil back to his bedroom. 

“Can you stay?”

The shy voice surprised Dan as he was just walking out,

“Okay,”

“You don’t have to.” Phil replied quickly, it was weird, Phil was never shy around Dan. 

“No it’s fine,’’ Dan resurred and layed down next to him, Phil motioned for him to get under and he obliged. Sleep found him easily for what seemed like the first time in forever.

~`~~

Phil tossed and turned, he was trying to fall asleep but this headache wouldn’t go away. 

He finally gave up and slowly rose out of bed careful not to wake up Dan. 

Now where was the kitchen. He wanted a glass of water, maybe that would help? 

He tip toed quietly in the kitchen then began to open cupboards, after swing a few open he found one with a ton of mugs, like a ton. He picked one out and turned on the sink. 

After a few sips he sighed in relief, maybe he was a bit dehydrated. He went back into the hall towards his room when he saw the bathroom. He went in and turned on the lights after closing the door. He looked down and inspected the opaque lines on his wrist, it was darker than his skin, fuller. He wondered why they there, was it his accident? 

He ran a finger over them. 

A darker thought crept into his mind but shook it away. If he was sad enough to do something like that why? If this youtube thing was true then why? If he lived with Dan, such a pretty boy, then why? 

How could he ever be sad when Dan made him so happy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked this small update, please comment and tell me what you think. I'll try to improve it better.

**Author's Note:**

> I hoped y'all liked it and I deleted the previous fic because I got bored really quickly but I might redo it sometime once my writing has gotten better, I still have lots of ideas and hopefully I get to them, love ya and have a great day and don't bark at tree bark.
> 
> ~Jenay


End file.
